


I Want You (S[he's] So Heavy)

by MoiraiFata



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Smut, Fluff, Gen, M/M, Pain, Romance, crazy!Cas
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-03-06
Updated: 2014-03-18
Packaged: 2018-01-14 20:34:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,657
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1278076
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MoiraiFata/pseuds/MoiraiFata
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Frankly, Dean was beginning to go more then little bat shit, he needed someone, not to talk to, but just to be there so he didn't feel so alone. Being on the road for as long as he had was lonely work. But even in his darkest moments, when he felt like he couldn't possibly look at another living soul, there was always someone there to keep him off the deep end. And it was moments like that when you really knew yourself, when you realized wanting someone...needing them...was so damn heavy. (Set sometime after 8.13.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_Earth, somewhere in between the past and the future_

*******

Dean Winchester was the kind of man who was seldom alone.

Truth is he was never really good at being alone, even if he didn’t feel like talking, he had this need for… _contact_. A glance, a breath, the occasional heartbeat ringing through the silence. Anything to remind himself that he wasn’t alone, that he hadn’t been forgotten. Anything to distract him from that crushing weight of loneliness.

So yes, Dean Winchester was a man that wanted and needed. He was the kind of man who couldn’t bear the thought of spending too long in his own headspace. Maybe that’s why he enjoyed having sex so much; to him it had become so much more than giving in to the throes of lust. It was about being so much more than yourself, it was about becoming one with a person in a simply being in their presence couldn’t allow. It was about taking your wants and needs and using them to bring out true nature of the other.

For that brief moment amidst the moans, and thrusts and longing two people came together in ways they will never be able to experience again, not with each other and not with anyone else. So he was a little more romantic than he’d like to think, so these chick flick feelings were becoming more and more frequent. He may be well into his 30s but that didn’t mean it was too late to change his spots. If his time in purgatory taught him anything it was that not everything is completely as it seems and nothing is black and white.

And this is why as much as he loved the bunker, he hated it. The bunker meant a home, it meant frequent showers and a home cooked meal, it meant a place to refuel. Much like Bobby’s house or Rufus’ cabin later, the bunker became a place they could lie their heads down.  But it was huge and spacious. As much as Dean loved his own room and an actual kitchen, spacious meant being alone a lot of the time. And alone was something Dean had never been able to do well.

Dean had taken to wandering aimlessly around taking in all it had to offer; there was so much left to see and endless possibilities to discover. But with the library and his own room Sam had taken to being nerdy by himself and what was the point of discovering new things if you couldn't share them with someone.

If he was being totally honest he was beginning to go a little bat shit. He was used to the open road and waking up in a different place every day. This…continuity, this sameness was foreign to him. It wasn’t like he didn’t like it; he just didn’t know what to do with it. He had all the pent up energy and he needed to take it out on something. And since Sam was a moot point there was only one person left that could deal with Dean when he got like this. Which brought him to Dean Winchester’s issue of the day: Castiel.

He hadn’t seen the angel in quite some time. Not since him and Sam had found him with a very dead Samandriel in his arms and blood tears dripping from his eyes, an image that wasn’t likely to leave him anytime soon. They still hadn’t gotten an explanation for the nights events, for all they knew Cas could be straddling the line of good and the dark side all over again. But he had to believe differently, if he wanted to keep it all together he had to believe that the angel wasn’t betraying him again.

He could almost hear the rustling of wings when he closed his eyes, in the corner of his eye he could swear he saw the glimpse of a tan trench coat rounding the corner. And in his heart he could feel that ache when he realized that his mind had been playing tricks on him again. What it all boiled down to was that he missed the nerdy bastard more than he thought he could miss someone who wasn’t Sammy. So he had taken to praying again like he did he purgatory, every day sometimes several times a day and today was no different.

"Cas?" He whispered into the air, knowing full well that he was praying in vain. “Look I don’t know what’s going on, and I don’t know what kind of mess you’ve gotten yourself into this time…but I’m here. I just want you to know that I’m here and I’m willing to listen…and I need…” His voice faltered a bit. “I just need to know that you are ok. So please, if you’re listening just don’t forget you have a home here…with m-us. You have a home with us.”

 He looked around the room half hoping to see that awkward, trench coat wearing angel looking at him through squinted eyes. But all he got was the crush of disappointment that he tried to ignore as he left his room in search of Sammy. As much as he tried to deny it he knew deep down he was really hoping the angel would show up this time.

* * *

 

 

_Somewhere in heaven, neither now or then_

_***_

Naomi was speaking again, as she does, discussing the perils of fraternizing with the likes of Dean Winchester. And Cas was doing his best to ignore it but after days, months...years (at this point he couldn’t even tell) It was getting harder and harder to stop her lies from getting in.

That spark that had long lit Cas’ eye was now gone. He was being hard wired back to his factory settings, being trained not to care, not to feel. And yet-

" _I_ _need to know you are ok"._

He constantly heard Dean’s prayers pounding on his skull like a migraine, demanding his attention whether he liked it or not.

 _“I just want you to know that I’m here”_  

Every time he heard the hunter’s pleas to come back, the shell Naomi was steadily building around the angel chipped away, piece by piece, making him believe that he could build up the strength to rid himself of Naomi’s control once and for all. But she would just break him all over again, shut down any dream of escape he had. His thoughts of leaving did him no good; they only lead to Castiel’s punishment and re-programing.  

_“Just don’t forget you have a home here…with m-us. You have a home with us.”_

But not this time, no, this time he would make it back, make it…home. Every prayer, every word gave him strength. One day he’d break free, no matter the cost.

“I know Dean, I know.” He whispered.

Naomi paused in her latest ramble. “What was that Castiel?”

The very broken angel gave her a cold smile “Nothing Naomi, nothing at all.”

* * *

 

 

_Back on earth, several weeks later and very much here and now_

_***_

 Much to his dismay Dean was still bored and still missing a certain multidimensional wavelength of celestial intent. He spent several hours inventing new ways to distract his brother from his reading, each more hilarious and childish then the next. In a huff of rage Sam threw the nearest glass at his big brothers head, narrowly missing him. Dean took that as a sign to give it a rest, so he wandered back into his bedroom. It was funny how much time he was spending there alone, despite the fact that he would much rather be elsewhere. He sat on the corner of his bed, where he usually did in times like this. He had his eyes closed and his fingers intertwined with each other. He pushed every other thought from his mind and focused on one face, one name, as if willing him here was an option. He was willing so hard he could hear that rustle of wings again, bringing a smile to his lips.

"Hello Dean" his gravely voice sliced through Dean like a hot knife. He tried to ignore the shivers going down his spine as he opened his eyes. Unless Dean had totally lost his mind, there he was, looking a little more worse for wear than usual but alive. And at that moment that was all that really mattered.

“Cas…” He ran up to the angel and wrapped him in a tight embrace with no sign of ever letting go. "You're alive.” he breathed. After a few (very awkward but strangely nice moments) Cas wrapped his arms around Dean just as fiercely.

“That I am.” He whispered. And if that didn't surprise Dean enough the angel let out a tiny sigh and buried his face into Dean’s neck. Dean's eyes widened as he started to mentally backpedal. This hug was becoming more intimate than he initially wanted. And it certainly didn't help that Cas' warm breath on his neck was shooting shockwaves straight to his--- 

A tiny cough from the doorway and Dean's eyes sprang open (Oh God! When did he close his eyes?) as he broke free from Cas' hold. "Sammy! Look who showed up!” His voice strangely high pitched and chipper.

Sam's eyes narrowed as he looked from Dean to Cas and back finally shooting his brother a questioning glance. "Yeah Dean I can see that." he said, still squinting.  He turned to Cas with one of his warmest smiles and clap on the back. "Cas, man. Great to see you but what happened back there? And how did you know to come here?"

“Dean.” Was all the angel said.

The boys exchanged confused looks. “Care to explain that, Cas?” Up to that point Cas had been regarding the ground with intense interest as if he could find the words to say written at his feet.

“Dean” he replied again. “That’s how I found you, through Dean’s prayers.” He finally looked up long enough to gaze at the oldest Winchester with wonder. “You’ve been thinking about me a lot lately, and that sa-that’s what lead me here.” Dean couldn’t help the blush that was now creeping on his features.

“I was just worried man.” He mumbled being sure to avoid everyone’s gaze, especially his brother’s.  

"I'm am sorry if I worried you, but everything is fine now. Do not concern yourselves with this." Sam and Dean exchanged similar "what the fuck" faces.

"Don't concern ourselves? Dean asks.

"Seriously, the last time we saw you, you were sitting in a corner going all mental patient 101. And not to mention Alfie." At the sound of the fallen angels name Castiel gave a very visible shake.

"Come on Cas." Sam says gently. "Talk to us, whatever you are going through, we can help."

Cas, who had been staring at the ground again as if he hoped it would open up for him  finally looked up with so much fear and pain in his eyes that the boys realized that whatever was going on. It went so much deeper than they had ever thought.

"Please" Cas whispers in a broken voice, "please, just let me deal with this…please" Cas' eyes fall onto Dean's and they hold each others gaze for a while speaking both nothing and everything. Dean opens his mouth to argue some more, Sam seeing this cuts him short.

"Okay Cas, we'll let this go for now, but don't think we've forgotten."

"Thank you," the angel whispers, gratitude flowing out like a river. "Thank you."

“Uhhh Cas," Sam continues, "Could we have a moment?" Cas nods once and blinks out of the room, going wherever it is he goes when he's not with the boys.

Dean waits all of two seconds before losing his cool.

"The hell Sam!" Dean explodes " Why did you let this go? Whatever is going on….its heavy and it's destroying him!"

"Yeah well we aren't helping." Sam says calmly. "In case you didn't remember he was insane not to long ago, and that doesn't just go away. We don't want to rock a boat thats already in risk of capsizing. Look, I know you’re scared for him, I am too. And I know you want to help but we can't help him if we push him over the edge. Let him come to us and we'll deal with it together."

As much as he didn't want to admit it Dean knew his little brother was right. Cas has had his gourd cracked once…it would do no one any good to have it happen again. "Fine" Dean agrees angrily " but if he goes postal on our asses again I'm pumping him for as many answers as I damn well please."

“I know you will" Sam says in that voice he saves for when he knows something Dean doesn't.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Dean yells and his brothers retreating back. He is answered with nothing but a laugh.

Over the next couple of days Dean spends his time dragging his the angel around home base. From the basic things like the kitchen and bathroom to the more interesting things like the vast library (in Sam's opinion) and the secret passage ways and trap doors. He drags Cas to all his favorite spots and and his least favorite spots and Cas, who never seems to enjoy himself, does. He laughs at all of Deans stupid jokes, appreciates the simple complexities of each room and never seems to tire of the fact that Dean has spent the past couple of days with all the excitement of a 10 year old.

In short Dean and Cas's relationship has turned a new page, now Dean could show Cas all the nuances of humanity and Cas without the threat of imminent death hanging over their heads and Cas could truly learn what it was like to be human without the judgment from his garrison. They were happy, enjoying each others company, the only issue was his stupid little brother, who would smirk knowingly every time he saw them together. But even that was remedied before long, in a little incident that included hair dye, crazy glue and feathers Dean managed to shut Sam up for a while. If the hunter ever cared to admit this to himself, he'd say this was the happiest he's been for as long as he could remember.   

But like many things in his life, that happiness came to an end.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Too much heart was always Castiel's problem and it's that very heart Naomi is going to use to break him.

_Heaven: Yesterday, today and tomorrow_

_***_

Naomi was sitting in her office, as she often does, twiddling her thumbs and contemplating her latest issue of the millennia; Castiel, the Angel of the Lord. She didn't know how he did it, but the sad excuse for an angel managed to escape her mind control and lose himself in the wind.

Naomi didn’t know where he was in time and space, but she did know one thing for sure, once she got her hands on him again, Dean Winchester would be nothing but a painful blip in Castiel’s worthless existence.    

The root of all her problems lied that human. That insufferable, know-it-all, heathenous excuse for God’s most precious creations. The very sound of his name brought up more emotion than she knew what to do with. Castiel used to be loyal, strong, focused, everything God made them to be...and then he touched that silly little human in Hell and just like that all was lost. Everything they had built, everything they had been since the dawn of time was gone in a single moment of weakness, And he’s been a thorn in her side ever since.

Naomi had no choice but to take advantage of the situation and make the very root of her problems the solution.  For once Dean Winchester would serve the greater good instead of destroying it with that overgrown brother of his.

What better way to get someone to do what you want, than to have them kill the object of their affection over and over until they were completely desensitized to all emotion...to all love...to all things so purely and exceptionally human.

Too much heart was always Castiel’s problem, so much so that she had no choice but to use that heart against him.  She would take that humanity he held so dear and crush him with it. It was the only way. It was for the greater good she kept reminding herself. All in service for a higher power.

She let her hands fall to her desk as her lips pulled into a cold, dangerous smile; she had the plan, now all she needed was the angel in question.

And she had ways of getting what she wanted.

* * *

 

_Still in Heaven: Sometime later but not at all_

*******

The last thing he remembered...he was...he was.... honestly, he couldn't remember. All he knew is that wherever he was, he must have been with Dean. All he could see was the Hunter's smiling face behind his eyelids. He had no way to tell if the moment was real or not. His grip on reality seemed to be slowly slipping through his fingers these days. But the memory was so real and strong and it made him so strangely happy that the thought of it being anything less than real was too much to bear.

He had no explanation as to why he was lying on the cold, hard ground in the middle of some warehouse with still fresh blood dripping from his fingertips.

He sat up, his head spinning. Thoughts and images began swirling in his head in colorful disarray keeping him from doing much more then sitting and looking. From what he could see, save for himself, the room was empty...except...there seemed to be something lying in the middle of the warehouse and if he wasn’t mistaken it was surrounded by a pool of blood.

He gingerly got up, head still reeling and protesting the change of altitude, he took a small step forward, fearful of what lay before him. His ever beating human heart stilled and his bloody hands shook, as he finally saw it for what it really was.

"N- No No….No Dean." He fell to the floor and gathered Dean's head in his lap. He pressed his fingers to his fallen friends forehead over and over, too distressed to realize that it wasn't working, that air wasn’t going to fill his deflated lungs…not anymore.

Cas’s breathing was getting shallow and now his whole body was shaking.

It didn't take much to realize that he might have something to do with Dean's death. But there was something so off about the situation. For one thing whoevers body Cas was cradling was very much not Dean.

Castiel knew Dean. He knew him in ways very little people did. After raising the hunter from Hell, it was up to him to put the pieces back together. Pieces he became familiar with, pieces he knew better than he knew himself.

Every freckle and blemish. Every color in the very wide spectrum that made up Dean Winchester’s green eyes. Every cell and nerve, hair and bone, Cas had put him back together like a clock maker fixes a broken watch. He was Da Vinci and Dean was his Mona Lisa, both as mysterious and breathtaking as they come, both a work of art.

Just like Da Vinci, Cas would know if he was dealing with a fake. And the Dean bleeding out in his arms was a very, very good fake.

“Hello Castiel.” Her seeming calm and collected voice rang out of nowhere and everywhere, but Cas knew better. Naomi was good at hiding the rage that sat quietly below the surface and today he had a feeling all that rage would be pointed at him.  “Don’t you just hate it when they just die on you?” She said, her eyes taking in the scene with callous distain.

“Did I do this?” Cas whispered, his voice breaking. Dean’s head was still sitting on his lap.

“Of course you did.” She responded. She snapped her fingers; Dean and all the blood vanished. “And now you’ll do it again, and again and again.” Another Dean popped up out of nowhere, an angel blade in his hand and sneer on his face.

“And you’ll keep doing it until I’m satisfied. But you know me Castiel.” She spat. “I’m very rarely satisfied.”

Castiel stared up at her with a look of pure horror. He didn’t know how he was going to save himself from this situation or even if it was worth it at this point.

His retort to Naomi got lost in transit as the new Dean captivated his attention.

“Come get me you son of a bitch.” Not-Dean whispered, slowly moving toward him, an angel blade flashing as he twirled it between his practiced fingers. “Come get me, you worthless, spineless, stupid piece of crap.”

“No,” Cas shook his head, as if the action would stop whatever Naomi had planned for him. He knew this wasn’t Dean, not his Dean anyway, not the hardened human that had a bigger heart than he would ever care to admit. The Dean he knew wouldn’t act this way...no matter how many times Cas broke what they had. Keeping this in mind he wouldn’t let this bastardized version of his friend antagonize him. He wouldn’t let Naomi win.

“You’re just a baby in a trenchcoat, a sad excuse for an Angel. A holy tax account!” Not- Dean spat. "You’re not a warrior, not a hero. You’re a liability Cas! A freaky little mess me and my brother have to clean up very few months."

"No!" Castiel screamed standing up. "I'm not going to do this, you can't make me" An angel blade, which he swore wasn't in his hand a moment ago, was cutting into his skin as his anger and fear curled his hand into a tighter fist.

"Did you really think we needed you? That I needed you? After everything that you’ve done, do you really think we could forgive you?" Not-Dean continued, ignoring Cas’s protests. "Don't lie to yourself Castiel, it’ll only make you look more pathetic than you already are. Our family has no use for dead weight."

"Dean, please stop. I tried my best, you know I did. Please...I didn't mean to hurt you. You know that." He babbled.

"Excuses Cas, all you're giving me are excuses!”  Dean yelled.

Not-Dean was in his face now, shoving him with each word. "You mean nothing to me. You have never meant anything to me, I don't want you, I don't need you. You're a means to an end, Castiel. A tool in the long war between Heaven and Hell."

Castiel gave out a scream of anguish. He had to remember that this wasn't Dean. That the real Dean Winchester would never say these things to him, that even though he was still atoning for purgatory, their relationship was still capable of saving. Months of constant prayers proved that, all that time in the bunker...all the things Dean shared with him...he had to remember...had to....remember...had to...

He wouldn't let her win, he wouldn't fall for her tricks. No matter the cost he wouldn't be reduced to this. He was stronger, better than the way he had been acting.

"I will not let you do this Naomi, I won't kill Dean...fake or not." But she was nowhere to be found. She must have left as pseudo Dean was verbally abusing the angel, but he knew she was there watching from a distance. Watching as his weakness told him that he never mattered.

As he was screaming into the air, telling Naomi to come and face him, Dean slipped up behind him wrapping his arms around Cas as if he were embracing him. Castiel stilled as he lowered his head to the angels ear, breathing warm breaths that reminded him of a home he so longed for but could never ever have.

"Bottom line is I never loved you." Dean whispered. "And I never will."

Cas gave out another strangled cry and he felt his blade sink into something soft and very much human. He spun around, eyes pickling with the ghost of tears he dare not cry.  "No Dean...no I'm so sorry I didn't mean...oh God Dean please."

Dean was on one knee, he was clutching his stomach as rivers of blood flowed from him. His face looked pained as he laughed and sneered up at the angel.

"See," He gasped through shallow breaths. "You never loved me either."

That sick smile stayed on his lips as he breathed his last. Cas could do nothing more then watch as the thing that shared Dean’s face slowly died. A single tear fell as he came to terms with that he had done. Of what he always does.

This was yet another thing that Castiel would never forgive himself for. He should have been stronger, better. He should have been able to keep his emotions in check. But like always he got in the way of himself. His path was riddled with good intentions and but he would be lying to himself if he said he never once realized that being who he was, what he had been forced to become for what he thought was right, was his own brand of hell. Being in his own head was the worst punishment he could give himself.

Every waking moment was lined with regret.

Every thought was a battle between pride and shame. And pride lost every, single. time. It was time to face the truth. He was broken, he was damaged. And there was no going back from this point. All he could do was accept his shortcomings, accept himself as the defect he had always been. He leaned over and gently closed Dean’s eyes.

"I've always loved you. I know you don’t know that, or maybe you don’t want it but I have," Castiel whispered. “I always have.”

* * *

 

_Still in Heaven: Only moments later_

                                                                                                                  ***

Naomi was watching the whole thing transgress from a safe distance. She wasn't pleased but she wasn't terribly upset either. He eventually got the job done, but next time he'd have to do it a lot quicker and with a lot less tears. She regarded them with slight contempt as she watched Castiel cradle the fake Dean’s head again, blubbering like a lovesick idiot. She snapped her fingers and the dead Dean was replaced with a living one, even meaner and angrier than the former.

She saw the look of shock, and frankly, slight derangement on Cas' face as the new Dean screamed more profanities at him. She saw it and refused to let it touch her. It was the only way she reminded herself. This was for the greater good.

Naomi turned her heel, letting Cas and Dean fend for themselves, she pushed the sounds of Castiel’s cries and screams from her mind. She had a job to do, she wasn't about to fail again. And she wasn't going to let anyone, not Dean, and certainly not Castiel, get in the way of her  plans...she didn't care what noises she was going to have to pretend not to hear.

She couldn’t care...she just didn’t have that luxury. And the sooner Castiel the very broken Angel of the Lord saw things the way she did, the better. For her, and him and Heaven as a whole.

Castiel would come to understand her one day...and she dared to hope with that understanding also came forgiveness.

She craved it like one would crave air. It was the only thing that kept her demons away, that sad, sweet delusion of forgiveness.

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading :D

**Author's Note:**

> The title comes from one of my favorite Beatles songs I Want you (She's So Heavy). Give it a listen. Thanks to my beta Savwho, you are trey awesome!  
> And thank you, for taking the time out to read it. ^_^


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